Chapter 41 - Chapter 40

It's all her fault.

Every demon I've been trying to exorcise screams at me in the voice of my daughter. I'm horrified that she overheard me in one of my weakest moments on one of my worst days. What's really the use of forgiving myself if the people I love most never will? But looking at my daughter, her face contorted by rage and hurt, I recognise her anger laid out like a rug covering her pain.

I used to do that, too, and I know a fight won't fix that hurt. I want peace for her even more than I want it for myself.

"Zinhle," I say, willing my voice not to tremble. "I'm sorry you overheard that. We didn't intend for you to."

"No, you wanted everyone to think it was Baba," she spits back. "When he still loved you. He wanted to keep our family together. But it was you, Ma."

"It didn't matter who started it." Siyabonga's words come soft, but firm.

"We weren't working, so we were getting a divorce. That's all you needed to know."

"You were protecting her," she says.

He frowns. "No, I—"

"Yes, he was," I say, looking at him and letting all the love I still haven't voiced again flood my eyes. "He didn't want you to blame me."

"I didn't want them to blame you," Siyabonga agrees. "But at the time, I blamed you too. Dr Mngadi helped me see that what I did was really no different. You couldn't move and I couldn't stop moving, but neither of us was handling our grief in a healthy way. What went wrong, it was my fault too."

"Bullshit," Zinhle snaps.

"Hhayibo. Watch it." Father and daughter stare at one another in the tight silence after she swears.